I Have Thoughts

Write and release

Painting by Megan Gabrielle Harris

This is a peek into my brain via recent thoughts that have stretched themselves out in my mind, forcing me to answer, analyze, or ponder a thing.

Thought 1

The houses we’ve built. 

You know the saying, you’ve made your bed, now lie in it. But what about when beds turn into rooms and those rooms now make up a house. Each brick laid in response to an offense, heartache, and pain. What past traumas or hurtful memories have kept us enclosed in a self-imposed prison? What happens when the past makes itself relevant? When an old grudge has morphed into trust issues or envious behavior. It may be a good practice to evaluate the bricks that we may call boundaries and determine if they are in place to protect us or imprison us. I’m working on my walls; it's tough when boundaries are erected out of betrayal (self-betrayal or otherwise). Unfortunately, the rigidity in our own boundaries could keep out everyone -even the people we should let in. So maybe you build a house but leave a door and a few windows open. In case love decides to take up residence.

Thought 2

Why has writing about myself become so hard? I’ve really been confronting this question. I think I’ve become much better at fictional work than reflections. Which is what this newsletter is mainly about. I think I’m getting to know myself all over again in this new decade. Self-reflection is such an important practice, a practice I haven’t engaged with as much as I’d like. I’m coming to realize this is what makes me a better writer. Taking a look at my own motives and who I am, asking questions, and answering them. But like I said, that piece of it has become so hard for me. I’ll also admit I’ve been in a particular place that feels almost mechanical. I’m not creating as fluidly as I’d like. That may be the life of an artist, can you have one without the other- Luls in creativity and bursts of inspiration, it's impossible to be in a constant state of either.

Thought 3

A haiku by me:)

The bigger person

Extending an olive branch

I’d rather it break

Thought 4

I’m obsessed with the TV show Murder She Wrote, but I have theories. Is Jessica an angel of death? Is she murdering people for book sales? Wherever she is, a body is sure to follow. With that said, I don’t think there's been a better piece of “who done it” television. Haha—also, my nail color was inspired by an episode, so she’s also an influencer and now I’m thinking I may want to write a murder mystery at some point in my life.

Thought 5

why some people be mad at me sometimes

they ask me to remember

but they want me to remember

their memories

and i keep on remembering

mine.

-Lucille Clifton

This poem inspired a line in my work in progress(the manuscript is currently with beta readers. yay!) I remember the day these words found me, hitting me in the gut. I remember painful moments so well, well enough to not remember at all. To feel it so deeply that, in some ways, I forget the beginning and ending of things. The nuances that find their way into conflict, every story has multiple sides but sometimes my side feels more urgent and more true.

In my writing, I love to challenge myself to create unlikable characters and give an explanation behind their flawed characteristics. It's therapeutic in many ways, helping me feel empathy for the people in my life I find myself at odds with. I may not agree with their temperament, but I understand. All the things that make us who we are, are explanations, not excuses. I’ve taken a bit of that into life, nudging myself to look at the entirety of a person before judging. Forgiveness and understanding are but an inch away, but the memory closes in, my focus shifts back onto my pain, and again - I keep on remembering mine. I am my own work in progress.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. This was fun to write—choppy, not fully fleshed-out musings that I wanted to share. I hold on so tightly to my written work, forgetting the reason I started this newsletter in the first place: to just write and release.

Until next time,